To My Grown-Up Little Sister… Dear Malama Naziha!

Dear Malama Naziha!

My prayers are that you read these lines in one of best of moments and excitements in your life… Congratulations on your big day, my little sweet Sis.

It’s difficult to proceed without extending condolences to you and myself, as well as the entire family, on the passing of our dear sister, Waseelah. May Allah accept her as a martyr and grant her a place in the highest abode in Paradise. Āmīn! I'm sure Waseelah has reunited with our brother Abdul Raouf. Together with Grandpa, Nyaba Alaji and all our late loved ones.

I’m writing you this, knowing that a matured, wise and intelligent sister like you already knows what I may or can write to her on her big day. Plus you already know what is right and what’s not. You also know what should be done and what shouldn’t. But then again, reminder benefits, if not for anyone, for the believer. “And remind, for reminder benefits the believers” (Surah al-Dhariyāt, 51:55).

I seek your permission to make this public. Hopefully, it may be helpful to some of my readers who are preparing to tie the knot. Also, by publishing it here, I’m having something documented for your little Princess, Ibtihal. Only Allah knows if I’ll be around, healthy and kicking when her turn comes.

My Dear Zeeha,

Besides congratulating you for your big day, I have to congratulate you for the man Allah has chosen for you. This is not because he’s my friend of 20 years. It’s rather because he’s a man of integrity, care, kindness, and above all he’s a man of piety. I can confidently bear witness for this if Allah asks me about him. To the best of my knowledge.

Malama Naziha,

Man and woman were created to complete one another. No man is complete without a woman. Likewise, no woman is complete with a man.

An unmarried man is incomplete no matter how knowledgeable, wealthy, powerful, loved and wise he is. So is an unmarried woman, no matter how strong, superior and independent she is. This is because our natural emotional needs, as humans, must be fulfilled. And it can never be fulfilled with anything other than emotion.

Therefore, once you get married, you are given the chance to fulfill that part of your natural human needs. The only thing is, in order to achieve this successfully and effectively, you must handle marriage with care.

Dear Naziha,

Handling marriage with care is when you realize that your marriage is unlike any other. It’s not a replicate of someone else’s. It’s that, which is made up of you (Malama Naziha and no any Malama Naziha is like you) and your husband, Abul-Khayr, and no any Abul-Khayr is like your Abul-Khayr).

Once this mindset is established, you’re set to lead a happy marriage life. You’re set to start a happy home.

In addition to that, a happy home is that which has a very strong connection to the skies. A home where the Qur’an is read, the Hadith is shared. And the principles of Islam vibrates all the time.

My Dear Zeeha,

Marriage is an act of worship. For both man and woman. But each has to handle it from a different angle. No man and woman (a couple in one marriage) can handle marriage from the same angle.

As a woman, taking care of your husband is an act of worship. Everything you do in your home that pleases your husband (but does not contradict with Islam) will please Allah and get you close to Him.

When a married woman cares for her husband, she doesn’t do that because her husband owns her. Neither does she do that because she’s submissive. She rather does that because she belongs to Allah. She’s rather doing that because she’s emulating the best of women: Sayyidatunā Khadījah, Sayyidatunā Fāṭimah, Sayyidatunā ‘Āishah and the righteous women among the companions raḍiya Allāhu ‘anhunna!

And it’s given that taking care of one’s husband and ensuring good upbringing of her children is the noblest act of worship for the Muslimah.

Malama Naziha,

Marriage life is a personal project that every matured and sound person must undertake. Moreover, it’s a lifetime project. You only get it accomplished the day you kick the bucket.

This means every day in marriage life is another opportunity for the progress of the relationship.

Additionally, marriage life is a whole different life and experience. This means, whatever you’ve heard or read pertaining to marriage are theories and other people’s experiences. Your experience doesn’t necessarily have to be the same. Your marriage life is unique and special to you. And every day in your marriage life is different and is an opportunity for you to learn about your marriage one more time.

Therefore, you must learn to take the journey yourself.

My Dear Zeeha,

One thing that will make your marriage successful is to learn how to housekeep your marriage. If you have been having best friends (sisters, I assume) they still remain your friends. But your new best friend above them is your husband.

One of the beauties of marriage life is that it fluctuates. Just like one day is made up of a day and night. In other words, a marriage life must have ups and downs. There must be downs for you to appreciate the ups. The wise seizes the down times to rearrange her affairs with her husband and refresh the relationship. The otherwise takes marriage for granted and thus treats the down times as the end of the world… and takes her marital issues to social media.

Your household is your haven and heaven. There must be secrets in your house which only you and your husband know. Not even your mum (our mum) should know. Let alone your friends and outsiders.

My Dear Zeeha,

Every marriage experiences misunderstanding and disagreements. In times of misunderstanding or differences in opinion, the head of the family should have the final say. Your husband is the head of your family.

When issues and misunderstandings arise, seek to solve it between the two of you. If you are not able to solve your problems between the two of you, there’s little outsiders can do to help. This is because no one should decide for your family how it should be run and kept. Plus, not everyone who smiles at you is happy about your marriage. A word to a wise.

Therefore, when you are not happy about something, don’t assume your husband knows it automatically. He might have overlooked it. Draw his attention to it. Talk about it with him. If you are really upset, let him know how you feel, by expressing them in words… w o r d s…

Don’t settle your disagreements with your husband on WhatsApp. Facial expressions and body language cannot be transmitted via electronic devices. They’re only expressed and communicated face-to-face. I have seen many marital disputes that worsened via WhatsApp. But I’m yet to see any that was solved over WhatsApp.

Malama Naziha,

A home is where you have peace. A peaceful home produces cheerful individuals to society. It produces productive children to society. If you’re responsible towards your husband, the likelihood of him being responsible towards you is high. When your children see a mutual respect between you and your husband they will automatically be respectful. When they are respectful, society will be safe and feel safe with them.

My Dear Zeeha

This is the best gift I can present to you on your big day. Make it a point to remember this following du’as always…

اللَّهُمَّ اهْدِنِي فِيمَنْ هَدَيْتَ. وَعَافِنِي فِيمَنْ عَافَيْتَ. وَتَوَلَّنِي فِيمَنْ تَوَلَّيْتَ. وَبَارِكْ لِي فِيمَا أَعْطَيْتَ. وَقِنِي شَرَّ مَا قَضَيْتَ. فَإِنَّكَ تَقْضِي وَلا يُقْضَى عَلَيْكَ. إِنَّهُ لا يَذِلُّ مَنْ وَالَيْتَ. تَبَارَكْتَ رَبَّنَا وَتَعَالَيْتَ.ـ

“O Allah! Guide me with those whom You have Guided. Strengthen me with those whom You have given strength. Take me to Your care with whom You have taken to Your care. Bless me in what You have given me. Protect me from the evil You have ordained; surely You command and are not commanded. None whom You have committed to Your care shall be humiliated.You are High in Your Mihgty, our Lord, and Exalted.”

رَبِّ ٱجْعَلْنِى مُقِيمَ ٱلصَّلَوٰةِ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِى ۚ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَآءِ ﴿٤٠﴾ رَبَّنَا ٱغْفِرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَىَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ ٱلْحِسَابُ ﴿٤١﴾ـ

“My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication. Our Lord, forgive me and my parents and the believers the Day the account is established.”

رَبِّ هَبْ لِى مِنَ ٱلصَّـٰلِحِينَ.ـ

“My Lord, grant me [children] from among the righteous.”

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا.ـ

“Lord, grant us joy in our wives(spouses) and children and make us a model for the righteous.”

رَبِّ تَوَفَّنِى مُسْلِمًا وَأَلْحِقْنِى بِٱلصَّـٰلِحِينَ.ـ

“My Lord, Cause me to die a Muslim and join me with the righteous.”

Malama Naziha,

You’re going to be a second wife. I believe Abul-Khayr chose you because he believes you’ll be someone who will treat your co-sister as your real sister. And a wise second wife (likewise a wise first wife) does just that.

Also, being a second wife doesn’t make you a second class individual. If being a second child (a fifth child as in your case) didn’t make you lesser of a sibling or a child, I don’t see how and why being a second wife can.

As a second wife, never ever intend harm for your co-sister. Just like you never intended harm for me, your true blooded brother nor for your full and half brothers and sisters.

For the first few weeks or even months, you can expect your co-sister to react negatively. But that’s normal. You would have done the same if you in her position. Our mum did the same. But now you can testify how close our mums are today.

The good thing for is you is that you just got married, but you already have children of your own. Treat your stepchildren like your own. And they will treat you like their mother. Just like we treat our stepmom like our own mum.

May Allah bless this marriage. May you experience the happiest moments a married person can ever have in a marriage. May you be granted righteous and productive children, who will be coolness to your eyes, and asset for the ummah. May this union lead you and the entire family to Jannah. Allāhuma āmīn!

Love,
Baba Salam