She Hit Her Mum, But We Abuse Our Mums in More Painful Ways

Introduction

Alhamdulillah; all perfect thanks and praise are due for Allah, the All-Mighty and the All-Wise. I send peace and blessings upon the teacher of mankind and jinn, Habībī Muhammad, his household, his companions and all those who follow his guided path.

It saddens, but it's the reality that we live in part of the time, which the Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam has said, that when it comes, a maid will bear her lady.

Background

Recently, a young lady in her mid-twenties became an ‘overnight famous' for the wrong thing. She was seen in a video physically abusing (slapping) her mother.

Eventually, it was understood, that in addition to her neighbour who instigated the abuse, her own father is directly involved in abusing his own wife. It’s also understood that the abuse was habitual for at least six months against the 58-year-old helpless lady.

The video went viral on social media and the sad story became one of the hottest issues in Singapore. And it worth be! What is more sickening is that the poor lady (the victim) wasn't in a good health condition. Possibly, that was as a result of repeated abuse she has encountered from her own daughters (and possibly other family members).

We Hurt Our Mums in More Painful Ways

The incident of the abuse (captured in the video) was an unfortunate one. Especially that it features a Muslim doing that. However, it's still equal (if not minor) and less painful, if compared to what many of us do to our parents and cause them endure more pains.

Further reads related to the young lady shown in the online video are likely to impress that she is having a psychological problem if not depression. Thus, it isn't surprising for her to have done that. Of course, who in his good sense and sound mind will set his hands on his spouse, let alone his parent?

Most of us are in our good sense and sound mind, but we hurt our parents in a more hurtful way than beating does. What most of us do in silence to our parents is equal, in retribution, to what the lady did to her poor mother.

Although we seldom hear of cases where children physically abuse their parents, the incident shown in the video is not an isolated incident, and we shouldn't perceive it as such. When a depressed child abuses her parents, with the support and blessing of her father (the victims' husband) and a lustful neighbour, it's understood, even if the abuse was physical.

But when the healthy and mentally sound, the educated, and the financially ‘well-off' does it to his or her parents, it becomes a serious social sickness that is extremely alarming and worrying.

One shouldn't assume that he is in a better situation than the lady's. You can only be in a likely better situation if you've never made either of your parents or both of them feel down, helpless, hopeless and regretful. We all know that Allah has forbidden us from hurting the feelings of our parents, such that even “uh!” is regarded as an offense and a violation to their rights as parents. Body language could even be more hurtful than “uh!” In fact, silence could hurt more than some words or actions do. And it hurts more when the doer is a child to whom it's being done to. Who among us doesn't hurt his parents with ‘uh!', action and even silence? There should be a few, and I pray that Allah makes you and me among them!

“Your Lord has decreed: (i) Do not worship any but Him; (ii) Be good to your parents; and should both or any one of them attain old age with you, do not say to them even “fie” neither chide them, but speak to them with respect. And be humble and tender to them and say: “Lord, show mercy to them as they nurtured me when I was small” (Sūrah al-Isrā', 23-24).

Why We Should Be Kind to Our Parents

If we should avoid hurting the feelings of our parents, and if we should never fall to the prey of Iblīs and turn to abusing our parents, then it's for three main reasons.

First, an appreciative person remembers the favour of someone who has lent him kindness even if for once in his life. And no kindness, whatsoever, can overwhelm the kindness our parents have shown us, the love they've developed and lived for us, and the du'a they've, forever, made for us.

Second, we get from our children the same treatment we give to our parents. We are not supposed to seek to know how unkind our parents were to their parents. That remains between them. We’re rather given the responsibility to be kind to them. This kindness, which we're obliged to show them is regardless, whether they're Muslims or non-Muslims. And so long as they are still alive (Muslims or non-Muslims) we have to pray for their wellbeing, guidance and good ending. A child who does this will not find it difficult to avail himself for the needs of his parents.

Third, showing kindness is something Allah Himself has decreed upon us. In other words, showing kindness towards our parents is a duty upon us, similar to the duty of praying five times a day, fasting, giving Zakāh and performing Ḥajj. Similar to the consequences of those religious obligations, Allah has prepared severe chastisement for whomsoever abuses his parents, even if they are non-Muslims. On the other hand, He has promised blessings, forgiveness, expansion of wealth, good life and good ending for whomsoever is kind to his parents and ensures their happiness and contentment.

How To Avoid Abusing Our Elderly Parents

In order to avoid being ungrateful or abusive to our parents, the Muslim should remember that the weakness and helplessness of our parents (especially the aged among them) are not by their choice. It's rather by nature. They would have chosen to be fit, healthy, wealthy, youthful throughout their life, if they were given the choice. But they are not given such a choice, just like their fathers were also not given such a choice. This means, we're heading to where they are right now. And it's not going to be by our choice either.

In order to attend the needs of our parents, we should stay with them in their old age, just like we stayed with them in our childhood. Staying with them in their house or ours shouldn't be only during their sickness or loneliness, or as result of our inability to have two homes at a time. This is where, when and how we set good examples to our children, and they will similarly pay back to us.

We should also make du‘a for them, as frequently as we make for our children and ourselves. This is how we build sympathy for them and give them the attention they need. How do you feel, when you meet someone, for whom you constantly make du‘a? One of the reason why Muslims have high respect for the Prophet Muḥammad ṣallā Allāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam is that constantly send peace and blessings upon him (they make du‘a for him).

We, the grownup children of our elderly parents, should constantly remember that old age is equal to childhood. I claim, that the only difference is age, experience, knowledge and wisdom. They share common similarities in emotions, weakness and for that matter helplessness and innocence. Thus, we should expect our elderly parents to ask unnecessary/irrelevant questions, be unnecessarily sensitive and possibly very chatty. The more dependent (physically, financially) they are on others, the more they'll show those qualities of innocence. We should be sensitive to their needs and ensure their happiness. For, certainly, a day will come, that we'll miss them. A day shall come that we will wish they are present for us to show them the best of ourselves, but that will be too late. Find out what made Ḥārithah ibn al-Nu‘mān one of the Qur’an recitors in the Paradise.

No one in his good sense and sound mind will beat his parents. Likewise, no one in his good sense and sound mind should abuse or hurt his parents with his actions, words or even silence.

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Until our next article, I leave you in Allah’s protection.

Allah knows best.
Allāhu Hāfiz 🙂