Outline
- Introduction
- Man’s Duty as the Guardian of the Family
- What does it Means for the Man to Hit His Wife?
- But… Many Men Abuse their Authority!
- Conclusion
Introduction
Alḥamdulillāh. Infinite thanks and praise are due to the Almighty Allāh. I send peace and blessings upon the most loving, caring and responsible husband; Ḥabībī Muḥammad, his household, his companions and all those who follow his guided path till the Day of Judgement.
This is part 2 (of 3) of the “Verse 34 of Sūrah al-Nisā’: Man’s Role in the Muslim Family” series. Likewise part 1, this article discusses verse 34 of Sūrah al-Nisā’ and extracts lessons from it. The objective is to grasp key correlated issues, which emerge in the Muslim family from time to time. The aim is to develop a better understanding for the verse, and live a happy life in a happy Muslim family.
Part 1 presented the verse and its meaning in English. It then discussed its background and the setting of the Muslim family as a social institution. Click here to check it out. This part discusses man’s duty as the guardian of the Muslim family, what it means for him to beat his wife, and what to do when the man abuses the power of his authority.
Man’s Duty as the Guardian of the Family
There’s a need for a leader whenever any two people form a group, team, organization or institution. To that effect, the Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam, would not delegate two persons for a mission, unless he has assigned one, as a leader, on the other. However, this person’s leadership becomes null, once they return from their mission. If this is the case in a temporal team, what more for a social institution (family) which is expected to expand and last forever?
Verse 34 of Sūrah al-Nisā’ starts with:
الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّـهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ
“Men are protectors of women, for Allāh has made some of them excel others and because they spend their wealth on them.”
In Arabic, according al-Mu’jam al-Wasīṭ, the word ‘qawwāmun’ is the plural form of the noun ‘qawwām’ which is derived from ‘qiwāmah’. Qiwāmah means, ‘to be in-charge’. A person in-charge of a family is the one who guards and protects it. He ensures its wellbeing and protects it against all threats and dangers. Thus, a leader over a people is one of them. He is not necessarily better than any of them, unless he’s a chosen Messenger.
The fact that man is assigned to be the caretaker of the woman in the family is emphasised in Surah al-Baqarah, 2: 228:
وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ، وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ
“The wives have rights corresponding to those which the husbands have, with kindness. But men have a rank above them”.
In his commentary on this verse, Ibn al-‘Arabī says in his tafsīr, Aḥkām al-Qur’ān:
“This is so, because men are obliged to pay dowry for the marriage, and to bear the expenses of the family after marriage, and they are responsible to teach them all they need to know pertaining to their religion, as every Muslim is required to know.”
It’s important to remember that both man and woman are creatures of the Almighty Allāh. He created them as He willed. They had no choice in that–and their choice, if they were given, wouldn’t be wiser. He also created each of them differently; emotionally, physiologically and psychologically. He then assigned each one with responsibilities that better suit his natural readiness. Thus we see that, women are assigned to the privilege of giving birth over men. And no matter how men specialize in childcare, women remain the most patient in handling children and the most loving for them.
To keep the Muslim family organized, strong and focused, Allāh decided to assign man to bear the responsibility of the survival of the family. To that effect, in Islam, a man is required pay the dowry to his wife before marrying her (he doesn’t buy –or enslave– her with that!). He is also responsible for her daily expenses even if she’s richer than him.
As a result of this leadership, man also bears the responsibility of ensuring the moral and psychological development his wife requires as a woman (human being) and life partner. That’s why parents and guardians (waliyy) should only marry their daughters to responsible men.
In short, man is assigned as a captain for the smooth sailing of the family ship. He’s however required to use the Qur’ān and the sunnah of the Prophet as his compass and map in this captainship. If everyone in the family must obey him righteously, he has to lead them righteously, and shall be answerable to Allāh.
The Prophet Muhammad sallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam said in a ḥadīth reported by Imām al-Bukhārī and Muslim from the narration of ‘Abdullāh ibn ‘Umar, raḍiya Allahu ‘anhuma:
كُلُّكُمْ راعٍ، وكُلُّكُمْ مسئولٌ عنْ رعِيَّتِهِ. والأَمِيرُ رَاعٍ، والرَّجُلُ راعٍ علَى أَهْلِ بَيْتِهِ، والمرْأَةُ راعِيةٌ على بيْتِ زَوْجِها وولَدِهِ. فَكُلُّكُمْ راعٍ، وكُلُّكُمْ مسئولٌ عنْ رعِيَّتِهِ
“All of you are (entrusted) shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. An Imam is a shepherd, a man is a shepherd in respect of his family, the woman is a shepherd in respect of her husband’s house and children. All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock.”
What does it Means for the Man to Hit His Wife?
The phrase, where Allāh has given right to man to ‘hit’ his wife is clearly indicated in the Qur’ān. Although it has to be put in the proper context, it requires no double-guessing in understanding or translating its literal meaning. The synonyms of hit are beat, strike, knock, blow.
A wife, to a man, is his warmth and comfort, the mother of his children and the secret behind his success. It’s, however, unfortunate that we mostly imagine ‘hit/beat/strike’ in this case the way it’s done to vent an anger and take a revenge, rather than imagining it the way it’s done to correct a loved and dear one. We imagine it the way it’s done to a child, who would like to feel pain before he learns the lesson, rather than the way it’s done to a matured person who understands with a simple frown of the face.
Unfortunately, this misunderstanding in addition to the fact that some men are naturally abusive has led many men to abuse the verse.
Does the Qur’an Permit the Husband to Beat His Wife?
Yes. The Qur’an has given the man the right to beat his wife. But hang on for a moment!
In Islam, a parent (mother or father) is allowed to beat his child. How does a parent in his good sense disciplines his child when he really needs to? Without equalling beating a wife to beating a child, but both are to be done for a good purpose and must be done in a particular way, accordingly.
The man here is a husband to the said wife. He’s not just “any Tom, Dick and Harry” from the street! The man here is the person in-charge in the Muslim family. The person in-charge in this social institution, likewise any other institution, is there to lead, guide, and protect for good, in good and difficult times. Thus, his action of hitting (or call it beating) is not supposed to lead to anything but good.
As a matter of fact, before he was given this authority, the husband was reminded of her rights, which are equally heavy as her duties:
وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
“The wives have rights corresponding to those which the husbands have, with kindness.”
If she is required with obedience to her husband, there are imposed rights she's entitled for, which the man can't abuse under any circumstance. Her rights are equal to her responsibilities in importance.
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ، فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى>ٰ أَن تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّـهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا
“Live with them in kindness; if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something which Allāh might make a source of abundant good.” [Sūrah al-Nisā’, 4:19].
When does he beat her?
Scholars of tafsīr (mufassirūn) have unanimously said: he beats her only when it’s the last resort, when he has no any other option. He only beats her if he’s sure it will lead to a positive result. He only beats her (as prescribed below), when it’s either that or he would have to divorce her. He has no right to beat her if he intends to divorce her.
In other words, before a husband thinks of (unimaginably) hitting his wife, he should first sweet-talk to her, advise her, and counsel her. If that doesn’t work, he should avoid her (in bed), just to show his unhappiness, until she comes back to her senses. If that doesn’t work, he is then allowed to hit her for the purpose of correction, not in a painful manner, and never in the face. The hitting that is allowed is therefore within a certain limit.
It’s worth mentioning that avoiding her should not long for more than three days. This is because the Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam prohibited Muslims from abandoning each other for more than three days. It should be therefore emphasized more between Muslim couples.
لا يَحِلُّ لِمُسْلِمٍ أَنْ يَهْجُرَ أَخَاهُ فَوْقَ ثَلَاثَةِ أَيَّامٍ
“It’s prohibited for the Muslim to abandon his brother for more than three days.” [Ḥadīth]
How does he beat her?
We can’t imagine that a person, who protects his loved one, when the need arises, will hit his child to cause him bruises, bleed, or broken bones, let alone his wife. The verse has not implied, nor has it instructed Muslim men to be abusive. In fact, the contrary to that is true.
If the man really has to resort to beating his wife, it has to be in a way that doesn’t cause pain to her, let alone injury. He is prohibited from hitting (not only his wife, but anyone) in the face. When the husband concludes that he really has to do this, he should remember that he’s doing it for the purpose of discipline, not for a revenge or to vent one’s anger. A pat on the palm of an adult in a state of anger means a lot to him/her.
Refusing to answer his question is enough to send him/her the message of your unhappiness. Therefore, to the matured person, a strike (which I would like to call a pat) with a towel (which causes no pains) is considered as hitting. And this is what our scholars understood from the instruction for a man to hit or beat his wife.
The Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam said in his final sermon (khutbah al-wadā’), from the narration of Jabir, raḍiya Allāh ‘anhu, reported by Imām Muslim:
اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ في النِّسَاءِ فَإِنَّكُمْ أَخَذْتُمُوهُنَّ بِأَمَانِ اللَّهِ وَاسْتَحْلَلْتُمْ فُرُوجَهُنَّ بِكَلِمَةِ اللَّهِ وَلَكُمْ عَلَيْهِنَّ أَنْ لَا يُوطِئْنَ فُرُشَكُمْ أَحَدًا تَكْرَهُونَهُ فَإِنْ فَعَلْنَ ذلك فَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ ضَرْبًا غَيْرَ مُبَرِّحٍ وَلَهُنَّ عَلَيْكُمْ رِزْقُهُنَّ وَكِسْوَتُهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
“Fear Allah, and show kindness to women, for you took them with the guarantee from Allah, and you sought their private parts with the word of Allah. You have right over them that they don’t allow anyone you hate into your houses. If they do, beat them in the way that doesn’t pain. They have rights upon you that you feed them and clothe them with kindness.”
Also, in a ḥadīth reported by Imām al-Bukhārī from the narration of ‘Abdullāh ibn Zam’ah, raḍiya Allāhu ‘anhu, the Prophet ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam says:
لَا يَجْلِدُ أحدُكم امْرَأَتَهُ جَلْدَ الْعَبْدِ ثُمَّ يُجَامِعُهَا في آخِرِ الْيَوْمِ
“One of you should not beat his wife the way he beats his servant, and then embrace (sleep with) her at the end of the day.”
This is with the acknowledgement that a servant (likewise maids) should be treated with kindness in Islam. Once the wife responds and returns to obedience, the man has no right to seek means of provocation against her.
فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا
“Then if they obey you, take no further action against them.”
Generally, the Prophet ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam, discourages us from taking even this measure (beating one’s wife). He says, in the ḥadīth reported by ibn Ḥibbān from the narration of Sayyidah ‘Ā‘ishah, raḍiya Allāhu ‘anhā:
خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي
“The best of you are those who are considered the best to their family (wives). And I am the best to my family.”
A wife who was righteously chosen is unlikely to push her husband to a situation where he would need to hit her. A husband who was righteously chosen is unlikely to result to hitting his wife, no matter what. If he does, it should be for a reason of betterment, and not for hatred. And personally, I’m convinced that gentlemen don’t hit their wives, no matter what transpires. They look for all possible means to solve arising problems. Has the Prophet ever beat any of his wives?
But… Many Men Abuse their Authority!
An abusive man is already not a good husband, and is unlikely to be a good father. He is also unlikely to reason when he goes wild. Even if he quotes Islam and the Qur’an, it’s just to justify his wrong deeds and satisfy his evil desires. He doesn't do that to necessarily follow the teachings of the Qur’an. The Prophet of Islam upon whom the entire Qur’an was descended (including our verse of discussion) did never hit a woman in his entire life. We ought to follow his sunnah! Imām Muslim reported that Sayyidah ‘Ā’ishah raḍiya Allāhu ‘anhā said:
مَا ضَرَبَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ شَيْئاً قَطُّ بِيَدِهِ وَلا امْرَأَةً وَلا خَادِمًا إِلا أَنْ يُجَاهِدَ في سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ
“The Messenger of Allāh salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa sallam did never beat anyone, neither a woman nor a servant, unless when he hits in Jihad.”
It’s important to indicate here, that corrections and actions taken to amend mistakes in the Muslim family are not taken only when the interests of the man are concerned. This is where many abusive men go wrong. Because they only care for their personal interests, everything becomes personal. Marriage life is not only about husband and wife and their sexual needs. It’s about their private life, family matters, and extends beyond the pillars of the house to the community, society, nation and the world. Thus, the broader the man’s perspectives are, the less he resorts to violence.
Allāh only instructed the head of the family to take corrective measures towards his followers, when they fail to comply with that, which pleases Him. It’s not meant to openly give autocratic power to the man to prosecute whomever he dislikes, anytime his emotions go out of control, the way he desires. We are not allowed to abuse our slaves or servants. In fact, we are not allowed to abuse animals. Why then would we abuse our partners? Let’s ponder on the last statement of the verse. It reads:
فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا إِنَّ اللَّـهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا
“If they obey you, take no further action against them. For Allāh is High, Great.”
Indeed, Allah is High and Great. With His Highness and Greatness, He is In-Charge above all. We are entrusted and are responsible for what we are entrusted with. We shall stand before Him to answer pertaining to whomever we were entrusted with.
كُلُّكُمْ راعٍ، وكُلُّكُمْ مسئولٌ عنْ رعِيَّتِهِ. والأَمِيرُ رَاعٍ، والرَّجُلُ راعٍ علَى أَهْلِ بَيْتِهِ، والمرْأَةُ راعِيةٌ على بيْتِ زَوْجِها وولَدِهِ. فَكُلُّكُمْ راعٍ، وكُلُّكُمْ مسئولٌ عنْ رعِيَّتِهِ
“All of you are (entrusted) shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. An Imam is a shepherd, a man is a shepherd in respect of his family, the woman is a shepherd in respect of her husband’s house and children. All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock.”
It’s ḥarām for a man to beat his wife out of oppression. I mean for no reason. Should there be any reason, it should be to comply with Allāh’s command and not to satisfy his personal desires. The one who seeks Allāh’s Pleasure ensure he follows His instructions submissively. In Sūrah al-Aḥzāb, 33:58, Allah warns:
وَالَّذِينَ يُؤْذُونَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَالْمُؤْمِنَاتِ بِغَيْرِ مَا اكْتَسَبُوا فَقَدِ احْتَمَلُوا بُهْتَانًا وَإِثْمًا مُّبِينًا
“And those who harm believing men and believing women for [something] other than what they have earned have certainly born upon themselves a slander and manifest sin.”
If harming believers for no reason earns one a slander, what more of wife’s wife!
Conclusion
Men are in-charge of the their wives at home. But some women (actually many today) are in-charge of men at their workplace. In fact, a husband may be in-charge of his wife at home, and goes out to work under her leadership. It’s therefore a responsibility, rather than a status.
A man in his good sense does not beat a woman (his wife). He, instead, corrects her in all possible means. An abusive person will find all reasons to abuse his victim. Even though he may seem religious. Such a person needs counseling and possibly discipline.
If a man abuses the privilege of leadership given to him by the Qur’ān, we need to fix him, and not to fix the verse through which this privilege was given. The verse is clear, and the Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu alaihi wa sallam, has given examples of how it’s applied, when he explained it.
In part 3 of this series, we will discuss whether the woman is allowed to beat her husband. We’ll also touch on who corrects the man when he wrongs.
I welcome your comments and feedback. If you are reading from your email, please visit GSalam.Net to comment. If you find this article beneficial, then kindly consider sharing it with your loved ones. To receive updates from GSalam.Net delivered right to your inbox, pleases click here.
Allāh knows best.
Allāhu Hafiz 🙂
Be the first to comment on "Verse 34 Of Surah Al-Nisā’: Man’s Role In The Muslim Family (2)"