Outline
- Introduction
- Is the Woman Allowed to Beat Her Husband?
- Who Corrects the Man When He Wrongs?
- Conclusion
Introduction
Alḥamdulillāh. Infinite thanks and praise are due to the Almighty Allāh. I send peace and blessings upon the most loving, caring and responsible husband; Ḥabībī Muḥammad, his household, his companions and all those who follow his guided path till the Day of Judgement.
This is part 3 (of 3) of the “Verse 34 of Sūrah al-Nisā’: Man’s Role in the Muslim Family” series. Likewise part 1 and 2, this article discusses verse 34 of Sūrah al-Nisā’ and extracts lessons from it. The objective is to grasp relevant key issues, which emerge in the Muslim family from time to time. The aim is to develop a better understanding for the verse, and live a happy life in a happy Muslim family.
Part 1 (which you can find by clicking here) presented the verse and its meaning in English. It then discussed the circumstances surrounding the revelation of the verse. It also looked into the settings of the Muslim family as a social institution. Part 2 (which is also found by clicking here) discussed man’s responsibility as the guardian of the Muslim family. It also looked at what it means for a man to beat his wife, and what to do when the man abuses the authority he’s entrusted with. Today, Part 3 discusses whether the woman is allowed to beat her husband. It also touches on who corrects the man when he wrongs.
Is the Woman Allowed to Beat Her Husband?
I am sure we’ve already agreed that Islam is a religion of fiṭrah (nature and natural sense). Now, let’s agree that there is (or there should be) a leader in the household. Let’s also agree that, that leader is the husband, even if he is poorer and less educated compared to his wife. Even if the wife happens to be physically stronger than him. Even if when they go out, the wife is a boss somewhere and he is a cleaner somewhere else.
If we are agreeable to the above, let’s try to answer the following questions.
- Can a child (in his conscience and correct mind) beat his parent, for his wrongdoing(s)?
- Can a subordinate at the workplace beat his superior for misbehaving?
- Can a student beat his teacher for misconduct or mistreating him?
I believe there’s only one answer to all the above questions, and that is a big No. The reason for this big No is clear. One of the two parties in the above scenarios is in a higher position than the other. He’s not necessarily more knowledgeable than him, richer or wiser or ‘whatsoever’. As a result, the one in the lower position (even though he may be older, richer or more attractive) has to listen and accept, even sometimes against his preferences. It’s therefore not appropriate for the people in the lower position to punish those in higher positions. The same applies to a husband and wife. The husband is in-charge of his wife. He guards her, protects her, sacrifices for her, and in return, she has to obey him and not make crucial decisions without his permission and against his consent. Otherwise the stability of the family will be at stake. This social institution (the family) requires just one leader at a time. And in the context of leadership, beating is not to examine and demonstrate physical strength. It’s for a good cause.
This doesn’t nullify the fact that they need to have mutual communication and discussions, before crucial decisions are made in the house. The Prophet, ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam had discussions with his wives, and sometimes, he was the one consulting them and accepting their opinions wholeheartedly.
Now, what if the man is full of errors (and we all are)? Who corrects him?
Who Corrects the Man When He Wrongs?
A Muslim family as a social institution is likewise any other institution or organization. The management passes its advice down to the other members and at the same time it’s open to feedback and sometime opposition. But at the end of the day, it has the final say, based on what it believes to be in the best interest of the institution.
In the situation where the lower management finds it difficult to work with the top management, flexibility is required from both parties, but more expected from the lower party. And just like the higher management can exempt the any member of staff from his duties at any time, a member of staff can also, at any time, seek to be excused from his duties. When things reach to this extent, it requires the intervention of wise people from both parties. This takes us to verse 35 of Sūrah al-Nisā’. It says:
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا إِن يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّـهُ بَيْنَهُمَا، إِنَّ اللَّـهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًا
“If you fear any breach between a man and his wife, appoint one mediator from his family and one mediator from her family. If they both want to set things right, Allāh will bring about a reconciliation between them: He is All-Knowing and All-Aware.”
Every institution, which has a good leadership, does experience bad times. What more of those with bad ones. Likewise, in the Muslim family, there are bad times as well as good times. We know that a family doesn’t start by itself. It starts with meetings, which lead to a legal wedding and then reproduction and effective contribution to mankind. In other words, although a family starts with a husband and wife, they come together with the kind and generous assistance of external parties.
Every married couple has sought the assistance and involvement of the most loved and respected individuals in their lives, pertaining to the most important meetings, prior to their wedding. Right? Therefore, the assumption is that, these most loved and respected individuals, who have led to propose, and eventually arrange for the solemnization, are wise, trustworthy and reliable. They have to be, so that we can comfortably refer to them during bad times, in the life of the marriage. When they are good and wise, they can only wish for reconciliation of the disagreed couple. But when they are not, we can’t but to expect the unexpected.
However, before the couple or the wife seek assistance from the mediators during the bad times in the marriage life, it’s wise that they try to find way out to solution between them (both). Only if things fail to work out, then they could seek the mediation of conciliators.
In other words, the wife is the first person who should advise her husband when he errs. She should has found appropriate ways and suitable time to express her feelings to her husband, just like he does to her. Mind you ladies; men are egoistic. Two egoistic people don’t get along. So, don’t try to eliminate that ego out of his head. Try to find a way of engaging him, which will make him forget his ego. You can’t achieve that, when you’ve activated your ego too.
If he refuses to listen, then she should consider talking to someone, whom he respects, listens to and takes his advice seriously. If he refuses to behave, she can then talk to her family representatives (the mediators), who on her behalf can talk to his family representatives (mediators), just like they did during their marriage (in most cases). In order to achieve that, Islam has always encouraged for appropriateness, when it comes to starting a family.
It’s worth reminding here, that we live in the social media era. It’s a great mistake for a husband or a wife to use the social media, as a platform to publicly, seek help and consultation regarding a dispute between him or her and his or her spouse. It’s important for us to know that people only showcase the bright side of their lives on the social media, and they surely hide the dark side of it. So don’t ever think everyone on the platform is happier than you are. And don’t also think there’s a household out there, without issues that are pending discussion and settlement.
Conclusion
Men are caretakers of the Muslim family. But they are not men to bring perfection out of their wives. Every one of us has his strength and weakness. If you displeased by the weakness of your partner, remember that he possesses a lot of strength points, which may have outnumbered those weak ones. Look for the and at the good side of your partner and she or he will always be the among the best people in your life.
The Prophet ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam said in a ḥadīth reported by Imām Muslim from the narration of Sayyidinā Abī Hurairah:
لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مؤمنة إن كَرِهَ منها خُلُقًا رضي منها آخَرَ
“A believer must not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.”
He also said in another ḥadīth reported by Imām al-Bukhārī and Muslim from the narration of Sayyidinā Abī Hurairah:
وَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا فَإِنَّهُنَّ خُلِقْنَ من ضِلَعٍ وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَيْءٍ في الضِّلَعِ أَعْلَاهُ فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ وَإِنْ تَرَكْتَهُ لم يَزَلْ أَعْوَجَ فَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا
“Treat women well. Woman was created from a rib. The most bent (crooked) part of the rib is the top part. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it, it remains crooked. So treat women well.”
We know that the Prophet ṣallā Allāhu ‘alaihi wa sallam only spoke the truth, beneficial and revelation. Here he indicates that women were bent and curved, just like a rib is. If you want to make a use of a rib, you have to use it as it is, or you leave it alone. An attempt to straighten it is going to break.
This also means that you can’t find a woman exactly as you want (neither would she find you). So accept her for whom she is, but you have the responsibility of ensuring she learns what she needs to know as a Muslimah, and get things in place as a mother.
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Allāh knows best.
Allāhu Hafiz 🙂
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